hokey shmokes

All due respect to my american friends, I'm going to presume that we can all agree that this ann coulter chick is an idiot. Watch this: Now, seriously, to America. Yes, you may be bigger people wise, you may have more money than we do. Congratulations. Please though, don't act like we exist at your mercy. There are 30 million of us. I'm pretty sure we don't exist as a nation at anybody's mercy. If anything, you could say that we're dumb to sell as much as we do to you guys. A sound national economic policy would limit exports to y'all to, maximum, 10-15%. Not out of dislike for anyone, but in the name of economic freedom. I hope that most americans wouldn't agree with the pompous attitude presented in this clip. You'd have to kill at least 2 million of us to take over the country I'm pretty sure. Unless you came through Quebec. Anyway, I found the above clip disgusting and frustrating. Except for the part at the end where Caroline Parrish ripped into the crossfire guy. That was awesome. Anyway.


Christmas Shopping: not for the elderly nor the faint at heart.

In honour of the topic of the night, I'm listening to Bing Crosby croon some Christmas Tunes. His pianist—or band leader, or water boy, or something— is named Skitch. Is that Skitch Patterson? Who knows! Could be! Beauty.

So, I was out doing some Christmas shopping, and let me tell you, it's a dog eat dog world out there. Or at least, a dog eat effeminate acting sales person world out there. Christmas shopping isn't easy! You gotta figure out what you're getting people for Christmas, and darn it, it's just hard. Plus, i don't think I've ever been so afraid of toddlers and their moms. It's like the toddlers are the Storm Troopers from Star Wars and their moms... frig, who knew that the emperor could exist in that many incarnations. Tell you what, if we could control the toddlers, and harness their whining and screaming, we'd be able to take over the world. Holy cow. I just finally understood the entire toy industry!

Then, on top of that, you've got the media pressure. Canada.com is running their Holiday special. They talk about bad gifts and good gifts. Gee, thanks Canada.com, for doing that out of the goodness of your hearts. Not like the rest of the media doing it just to try to weasal more cash out of us or their advertisers. You can read that section here, then you'll at least be doing better than the 13% of Canadians who have REGIFTED in the last year. C'mon folks. Seriously. Anyway, it seems like everyone who ever gets a pedestal in culture tries to tell us what to buy for Christmas. I mean, really, who could forget The Twelve Days of Christmas from the Great White North Album, performed by Bob and Doug Mackenzie? Wait, you don't know it? Well, we'll have to remedy that! Here, thanks to the wonderful world wide web, are the lyrics to the aforementioned song. This features some classic Canadian gift ideas. Hehe. Beauty:

Bob: Ok g'day. This is the Christmas part of the album, you can play this at your Christmas partys uh, or to yourself on Christmas eve if there is nothing else to do
Doug: G'day eh? in case you thought like I wasn't on this part.
Bob: Oh i guaranty ya, you'd be on.
Ok so good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get your true love for Christmas.
Doug: Look out the window!
bob: Where? Whaddya doin?
Bob: Oh it's the great white north, and it's snowin cuz its Christmas time.
Hey, hoser! heres a quiz.. quiz for Doug:
Doug: Ok, I got my thinking toque on!
Bob: Yeah, right. What are the 12 days of Christmas?
Doug: Um.
Bob: Cuz figure it out , right? Christmas is when?
Doug: The 25th.
Bob: Right, well whats the 24th? Xmas eve, right.
Doug: Thats 2.
Bob: Then , whats after that?
Doug: Wrestling day
Bob: No.
Doug: Boxing day.
Bob: Thats 3. Then whats after that? Nothin'.
Doug: New years.
Bob: 4.
Doug: New years eve.
Bob: 5. Where da ya get 12?
Doug: Uh... theres 2 sat's and sun's in there , 4. Thats 9 and 3 other days which i believe are the mystery days.
Bob:Ok, this is our Christmas song, in case ya don't know what to get someone for Christmas.

Doug: Theres lotsa ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck. By the way , thats me on the organ.
Bob: Ok geeze.
Doug: Ok, you start.

Song Lyrics
Bob: Ok, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

2 turtlenecks,
and beer.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and a beer.
There should be more there, eh?

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Oh. See? ya need more.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..

5 GOLDEN TOQUES! (background singers start to help)
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..

6 packs of two-four.
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..

7 packs of smokes,
Nice Gift... oh.... (rushes) 6 packs of 24s
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
oh, i keep forgettin'.
whew, this should be just the 2 days of xmas, this is too hard for us!

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..

8 comic books,
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
4lbs of backbacon, (background singers)
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Wow,That beers empty

Day 12.
G'day and welcome to day 12.

5 GOLDEN TOQUES! (all together)
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tre-e. (Doug harmonizes)

Where did you learn to do that?

Uh, Albums.
Boy, so thats our song merry Christmas, and g'day.
G'day everybody. Happy new years.
Ok, ya know what ya left out?
Donuts. I told you to get me donuts.
Oh no!
Either on the 9th day, or the 10th day or the 11th day. I wanted donuts.
The song is over merry Christmas everybody,
or the 12th you coulda gotten me a dozen donuts.

Go to the stores and get some presents.
You coulda gone down to the donut shop where you buy a dozen donuts, you get another donut free. Then it coulda been 13 for the 13 days of Christmas.

Next Christmas, get me a chainsaw.
Take off!
Boy that song was a beauty.. it moved me.
Yah , it ranks up there with stairway to heaven.

As a disclaimer, I don't recommend most of those as presents, although 4 pounds of back bacon would be beauty. So, yeah, like, that's it for me. That should be everything you need to go out and do your Christmas Shopping. Or at least to get a bit of a laugh outa good ol' andymack the teetotaler's blog. :-)



vandals... possibly in sandals

Dear friends. I'm taking this time to write to you from my grieving state. This morning, our neighbourhood, nay, our whole city, was rocked by a vandalous attack. White fluffy stuff was blown all over every inch of our city (okay, except the area in the lee of the north west area of every building). These attacks are shocking, and as a city we are standing up and saying "No" to vandalism. These attempts to intimidate us will not be tolerated. The perpetrator of these heinous attacks is asked to make a full confession, after which we can discuss the terms of the reparations. Think Versailles. Again, we will not stand for this. Cities across this nation will join the outcry.

Nah, for now, most people are going to be like, "Oooh, pretty." So, I guess I take that all back. Thanks for snow, God. Now, where did I leave that gas can? I think I need to go start that snowblower.


indigo, celebrities, and undisciplined people

(now playing: shame on you // the indigo girls. I think they just made a swear.)

Well, I'm back. But I won't survive (sorry, everytime I say "and now I'm back...") I think of that stupid "I will survive" song. Anyway... righ...tuh. A little rusty, I apologize.

So, I've been thinking about this for a couple of days... everybody's all anti-animal-testing. Me too. As of yesterday morning, when I realized that there was something more pathetic that we could test chemicals on. Namely: Celebrities.

Now you're saying, "Celebrities? Be SERIOUS Mackay. Those people have AGENTS to protect them." And I'm saying, first of all, I've done some research, and I know can say with authority: There is a big difference between an FBI agent and a HOLLYWOOD agent. One carries a gun and the authority of George Bush. The other eats granola for breakfast, and carries the authority of George Clooney (whom I hate (Sorry George.)). Anyway, you're getting me off track. Further to my earlier point, celebrities have ALREADY set up a system whereby we can test them with their tacit approval. See, if I walk into my favorite guitar store and I want to get a new guitar, I'm expected to pay near-to-full price. If Hanson (okay, bad example) walks into my favorite guitar store (Neil Young would be a better example, since he probably has walked into my favorite guitar store. Typically he shops at Ed's more, but whatever Neil) and wants to get a new guitar, they hand it to him. He's a celebrity. He gets it for free, they get publicity.

Lets face it folks, celebrities are used to taking hand outs. We've conditioned them, what with our undeserved and undiscriminating worship of them, and the way they get handed everything on a platter, how would they be able to tell that the thing was a test product? It's all in the approach!!! For example:

Representative for Chemical company XYZ Uraniums, Bob: Mr. Clooney, Mr. Clooney, how 'bout a year's supply of our brand new, ultra-cutting edge "Face Firmer Five Billion" cream cleanser and daily facial moisturizer?

(to clarify, those product names aren't from real products, and also, I don't know what it would mean if they were.)

Clooney: Yeah, sure, why not? More free stuff from my adoring public? I'd love to!!!

later on that night...

Clooney, to self in mirror: Hey good looking! Hmm, this new daily moisturizer kinda tickles funny. I wonder what's in this stuff? Hmm, it just says "Experimental Ingredients." Must be really new wave.

The next morning...

Clooney, waking up: My face feels swollen and weird. I wonder... *Looks at self in mirror, sees Rosie O'Donnell looking back at him* Holy *%$#. I'm calling my agent!

That afternoon...

Ron Ithinkimsohot, agent for George Clooney: Bob, that cutting edge daily facial moisturizer and cream cleanser really did a number on George's face. What the heck is up with that?

Bob: Well, it is an experimental thing. Heck, it's based on a Uranium Extract. We didn't know what it'd do, thanks for the data.

Ron: What? Experimental? Do you think Clooney's some sorta guinea pig?

Bob: Well, I was pretty convinced that Batman and Robin was an experiment in making the worst movie, so Mr. Clooney was the obvious first choice in our new celebrity program. Regardless, it was marked clearly in the packaging. Gee whiz, Ron, don't get so defensive of your client. He'll recover in a couple of days. Meanwhile, you can bill him $400 for this 20 second call.

Ron: You make a great point. Talk to ya soon?

Bob: yeah, we'll do lunch. Catch ya later, i'm off to pitch to Jodie Foster.

Think about it folks! No bunnies were harmed in the making of this chemical compound... only the people that we overpay by far to play "make believe" for a few days in front of a camera so that we can ignore each other and suspend reality for—if we're lucky—two or three hours.

Anyway, that's it for me, for now. I'll try to be more disciplined, just for you mom, since you're the person who reads this. :-)