Christmas Shopping: not for the elderly nor the faint at heart.

In honour of the topic of the night, I'm listening to Bing Crosby croon some Christmas Tunes. His pianist—or band leader, or water boy, or something— is named Skitch. Is that Skitch Patterson? Who knows! Could be! Beauty.

So, I was out doing some Christmas shopping, and let me tell you, it's a dog eat dog world out there. Or at least, a dog eat effeminate acting sales person world out there. Christmas shopping isn't easy! You gotta figure out what you're getting people for Christmas, and darn it, it's just hard. Plus, i don't think I've ever been so afraid of toddlers and their moms. It's like the toddlers are the Storm Troopers from Star Wars and their moms... frig, who knew that the emperor could exist in that many incarnations. Tell you what, if we could control the toddlers, and harness their whining and screaming, we'd be able to take over the world. Holy cow. I just finally understood the entire toy industry!

Then, on top of that, you've got the media pressure. Canada.com is running their Holiday special. They talk about bad gifts and good gifts. Gee, thanks Canada.com, for doing that out of the goodness of your hearts. Not like the rest of the media doing it just to try to weasal more cash out of us or their advertisers. You can read that section here, then you'll at least be doing better than the 13% of Canadians who have REGIFTED in the last year. C'mon folks. Seriously. Anyway, it seems like everyone who ever gets a pedestal in culture tries to tell us what to buy for Christmas. I mean, really, who could forget The Twelve Days of Christmas from the Great White North Album, performed by Bob and Doug Mackenzie? Wait, you don't know it? Well, we'll have to remedy that! Here, thanks to the wonderful world wide web, are the lyrics to the aforementioned song. This features some classic Canadian gift ideas. Hehe. Beauty:

Bob: Ok g'day. This is the Christmas part of the album, you can play this at your Christmas partys uh, or to yourself on Christmas eve if there is nothing else to do
Doug: G'day eh? in case you thought like I wasn't on this part.
Bob: Oh i guaranty ya, you'd be on.
Ok so good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get your true love for Christmas.
Doug: Look out the window!
bob: Where? Whaddya doin?
Doug:Snow!
Bob: Oh it's the great white north, and it's snowin cuz its Christmas time.
Hey, hoser! heres a quiz.. quiz for Doug:
Doug: Ok, I got my thinking toque on!
Bob: Yeah, right. What are the 12 days of Christmas?
Doug: Um.
Bob: Cuz figure it out , right? Christmas is when?
Doug: The 25th.
Bob: Right, well whats the 24th? Xmas eve, right.
Doug: Thats 2.
Bob: Then , whats after that?
Doug: Wrestling day
Bob: No.
Doug: Boxing day.
Bob: Thats 3. Then whats after that? Nothin'.
Doug: New years.
Bob: 4.
Doug: New years eve.
Bob: 5. Where da ya get 12?
Doug: Uh... theres 2 sat's and sun's in there , 4. Thats 9 and 3 other days which i believe are the mystery days.
Bob:Ok, this is our Christmas song, in case ya don't know what to get someone for Christmas.
Doug: Theres lotsa ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck. By the way , thats me on the organ.
Bob: Ok geeze.
Doug: Ok, you start.


Song Lyrics
Bob: Ok, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
beer.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
2 turtlenecks,
and beer.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and a beer.
There should be more there, eh?
Where?

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Oh. See? ya need more.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
5 GOLDEN TOQUES! (background singers start to help)
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
6 packs of two-four.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Ok.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
7 packs of smokes,
Nice Gift... oh.... (rushes) 6 packs of 24s
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
oh, i keep forgettin'.
whew, this should be just the 2 days of xmas, this is too hard for us!

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
8 comic books,
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon, (background singers)
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
Wow,That beers empty

Day 12.
G'day and welcome to day 12.
Yeah.

5 GOLDEN TOQUES! (all together)
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tre-e. (Doug harmonizes)

Where did you learn to do that?
Uh, Albums.
Boy, so thats our song merry Christmas, and g'day.
G'day everybody. Happy new years.
Ok, ya know what ya left out?
What?
Donuts. I told you to get me donuts.
Oh no!
Either on the 9th day, or the 10th day or the 11th day. I wanted donuts.
The song is over merry Christmas everybody,
or the 12th you coulda gotten me a dozen donuts.
Go to the stores and get some presents.
You coulda gone down to the donut shop where you buy a dozen donuts, you get another donut free. Then it coulda been 13 for the 13 days of Christmas.
Next Christmas, get me a chainsaw.
Take off!
Boy that song was a beauty.. it moved me.
Yah , it ranks up there with stairway to heaven.
What?

As a disclaimer, I don't recommend most of those as presents, although 4 pounds of back bacon would be beauty. So, yeah, like, that's it for me. That should be everything you need to go out and do your Christmas Shopping. Or at least to get a bit of a laugh outa good ol' andymack the teetotaler's blog. :-)


BEAUTY