indigo, celebrities, and undisciplined people

(now playing: shame on you // the indigo girls. I think they just made a swear.)

Well, I'm back. But I won't survive (sorry, everytime I say "and now I'm back...") I think of that stupid "I will survive" song. Anyway... righ...tuh. A little rusty, I apologize.

So, I've been thinking about this for a couple of days... everybody's all anti-animal-testing. Me too. As of yesterday morning, when I realized that there was something more pathetic that we could test chemicals on. Namely: Celebrities.

Now you're saying, "Celebrities? Be SERIOUS Mackay. Those people have AGENTS to protect them." And I'm saying, first of all, I've done some research, and I know can say with authority: There is a big difference between an FBI agent and a HOLLYWOOD agent. One carries a gun and the authority of George Bush. The other eats granola for breakfast, and carries the authority of George Clooney (whom I hate (Sorry George.)). Anyway, you're getting me off track. Further to my earlier point, celebrities have ALREADY set up a system whereby we can test them with their tacit approval. See, if I walk into my favorite guitar store and I want to get a new guitar, I'm expected to pay near-to-full price. If Hanson (okay, bad example) walks into my favorite guitar store (Neil Young would be a better example, since he probably has walked into my favorite guitar store. Typically he shops at Ed's more, but whatever Neil) and wants to get a new guitar, they hand it to him. He's a celebrity. He gets it for free, they get publicity.

Lets face it folks, celebrities are used to taking hand outs. We've conditioned them, what with our undeserved and undiscriminating worship of them, and the way they get handed everything on a platter, how would they be able to tell that the thing was a test product? It's all in the approach!!! For example:

Representative for Chemical company XYZ Uraniums, Bob: Mr. Clooney, Mr. Clooney, how 'bout a year's supply of our brand new, ultra-cutting edge "Face Firmer Five Billion" cream cleanser and daily facial moisturizer?

(to clarify, those product names aren't from real products, and also, I don't know what it would mean if they were.)

Clooney: Yeah, sure, why not? More free stuff from my adoring public? I'd love to!!!

later on that night...

Clooney, to self in mirror: Hey good looking! Hmm, this new daily moisturizer kinda tickles funny. I wonder what's in this stuff? Hmm, it just says "Experimental Ingredients." Must be really new wave.

The next morning...

Clooney, waking up: My face feels swollen and weird. I wonder... *Looks at self in mirror, sees Rosie O'Donnell looking back at him* Holy *%$#. I'm calling my agent!

That afternoon...

Ron Ithinkimsohot, agent for George Clooney: Bob, that cutting edge daily facial moisturizer and cream cleanser really did a number on George's face. What the heck is up with that?

Bob: Well, it is an experimental thing. Heck, it's based on a Uranium Extract. We didn't know what it'd do, thanks for the data.

Ron: What? Experimental? Do you think Clooney's some sorta guinea pig?

Bob: Well, I was pretty convinced that Batman and Robin was an experiment in making the worst movie, so Mr. Clooney was the obvious first choice in our new celebrity program. Regardless, it was marked clearly in the packaging. Gee whiz, Ron, don't get so defensive of your client. He'll recover in a couple of days. Meanwhile, you can bill him $400 for this 20 second call.

Ron: You make a great point. Talk to ya soon?

Bob: yeah, we'll do lunch. Catch ya later, i'm off to pitch to Jodie Foster.

Think about it folks! No bunnies were harmed in the making of this chemical compound... only the people that we overpay by far to play "make believe" for a few days in front of a camera so that we can ignore each other and suspend reality for—if we're lucky—two or three hours.

Anyway, that's it for me, for now. I'll try to be more disciplined, just for you mom, since you're the person who reads this. :-)