Fleshing out a Tim Hortons Economy

At the beginning of February, Tim Hortons raised their prices again. I posted about it then, whining about the extra five cents. One commenter mentioned that perhaps the Canadian government could start providing it--like healthcare. Another said that wait times might become an issue.

And I thought to myself, how about that? So, I gladly present Coffee Canada--what would happen if Canada's major political parties took over Tim Hortons.

First, the NDP.

Ottawa -- Prime Minister Jack Layton proudly announced a government takeover of Tim Hortons parent company, TDL, along with a national franchise buy-out offer, in connection with his new Coffee Canada program.

"Canadians love their coffee, it's up to the government to provide it for them. Just as healthcare is a basic charter right for Canadian Citizens, we've ammended the charter to show that a quality Double-Double is also a basic charter right," Mr. Layton prefaced the announcement.

In addition to buying out TDL, the NDP have announced a franchise buy-out offer. The terms of the offer state that each franchise owner will be given twenty cents for every dollar their franchise made last year. The business community was outraged, however Mr Layton called it a very basic redistribution of wealth. In addition to this offer, Mr Layton offered to let the owners continue operating the franchise, not as franchisees but as government employees. While they would not benefit from profitable business, there would be a $300,000 annual government pension once they had served for ten years.

TDL announced that it's first move under new ownership would be to expand its services. It will immediately launch Tim Hortons pizza and Tim Hortons Burgers, in order to fully expand into the market. Economists expect that the government may even try to resurrect Mary Brown's chicken through their new service. And of course, all products are now being given away.

Reaction amongst customers was mixed: One client complained, "There are waiting lists now! You have to be registered with a specific Tim Hortons location to get service, otherwise you're stuck with walk-in Tim Hortons, or the emergency Tims, but you're going to wait between three and six hours for service at either of those." Another was heard to say "Hey, free coffee!"

In other news, the Layton administration admitted that he has in fact had coffee from Starbucks, the privately owned and operated coffee company in the past, but has realized the error of his ways and is dedicated to improving the government service.


Next, the Bloc Quebecois:

Quebec City -- Prime Minister Gilles Duceppe announced today that the Government of Canada was buying all shares in Tim Horton's parent company, TDL. He further announced that the federal government would pass control of the corporation over to the province of Quebec.

TDL, in turn, announced a new two-tiered pricing structure, as well as new ordering guidelines. Tim Hortons pricing will go up by triple in provinces where English is the primary spoken languages. In Quebec, prices will drop down to just a tenth of what they were. A special "I'm from Quebec" identification card will allow Quebec residents to get Quebec pricing in other provinces.

In addition to the new pricing structures, TDL announced that orders would no longer be taken in English. "If it is not ordered in French, it is not an order, non? Si vous voulez un café, vous apprendrez à parler la langue de Dieu." We think that means "If you want coffee, you will learn to speak God's language. " Vive le double double!

Customer reactions were mixed. In Quebec, there was joy in the streets... by the twelve Tim Hortons fans living there. Everyone else was still going to locally owned bakeries for baguettes. In Ontario, response ranged from credulity to outrage. "I flunked out of grade nine french! Come to think of it, I flunked out of grade nine everything. What am I supposed to do now, drink CoffeeTime?" ranted one truck driver. In other news, enrollment in French Immersion programs sky-rocketed with the announcement.


Then, the Liberals:

Ottawa -- Interim Liberal Party leader Bill Graham announced today that the Liberal party had completed a buy-out of Tim Horton's parent company, TDL. Speculating on the future of the company, Mr. Graham stated that the only thing he knew for certain was that a special "Liberal Wheeling and Dealing" back room would be retrofitted in every Tim Horton's location. Based on the technology found in Maxwell Smart's cone of silence, this will allow the Liberal Party to conduct important party business with virtual impugnity. He was reported to mutter under his breath, "No more sponsorship scandal for us." In addition, Mr. Graham is proposing a bill to issue a special "Tim Horton's membership card" to all Canadians. This card will allow Tim Horton's to track the customers preferences, and to provide their order without actually speaking to them. Mr. Graham said that any further developments would depend on who ended up winning the party's much-contested leadership race. He did say, however, that automation and back-room dealings were the wave of the future.

Customer reaction was mixed. In Quebec, every Tim Horton's store front was torched. "The people will not stand for further Liberal dilly-dallying," announced the Bloc Quebecois. Elsewhere, nothing had changed. And, as most Canadians have learned, under the Liberals, nothing ever will.

Finally, the Conservative party:

Ottawa -- Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that there was absolutely no chance of a government buy out of Tim Horton's parent company, TDL. "After all, I'm a conservative. That means free-market economy. Besides which, we'd have to buy it from Wendy's... and that Dave Thomas guy always freaked me out when I was little. No chance." Rumour around Parliament has it that Prime Minister Harper actually doesn't drink coffee, preferring Starbucks Chai in the morning. A confidence motion on the matter is pending.